The Cringe
The Cringe
I mean you know it is coming. It is inevitable. No matter how much you prepare, you are not ready.
The doctor told my mom to call her children. The Cringe. I walk into the room to see my dad on a huge breathing machine. The Cringe. He started having tremors. They gave him medicine that agitated him. The doctor comes in and wants to speak with my mom. My mom says I want my children with me. The doctor stands in front of us with a concerned look. Cringe. My usually strong voice begins to crack…“How long does he have? “ Tears, Cringe, Doctor says a couple of days (September 17) ….noise (Unexplainable cry that I haven’t had in years), Tears, THE CRINGE….
Have you ever thought: They understand I am human, yet (seemingly) there is no excuse for me to be human. SEEMINGLY I always understand, forgive, consider, but this time my brain is cooked and it is survival mode time. Consideration for others is a little slow. You don’t mean to be direct you are just in an emotional survival season. Careful!!!!!!
They say, with good intentions, it will be ok. Right now it is not ok. I want to pray and nothing comes out of my mouth. I hallucinate that every one expects for me to be strong like I usually am, but this right here…THIS RIGHT HERE!!...is so hard to deal with. This right here weakened me to the point of no words, no smiles, no jokes, no understanding…just crying.
Conversations have to be had. Decisions have to be made. It is all happening so fast. I thought, “If I can just believe in this moment.” Then God steps in. He sends that spiritually mature cousin (My Cousin ALICE!!!) who prays on the spot (I mean like she know Him for real!!!) .
The Cringe lessens
I made it back home from my parents home and sulked. My best friend called and prayed for me. She called when my emotions hindered me from praying for myself or anyone else.
Some other sisters from the church called, they didn't talk much, they just prayed.
I was reminded that I am a child of God. I will not lean and depend on temporary emotional fix. I will continue to pray and believe in the report of the most high God and not that of the enemy. My prayer needs to be bold in the Holy Spirit not in an alcohol spirit (truth moment----I sure did want a swig or two).
As I cry, God steps in and He cradles me in His arm. I haven’t cried like this in long time, because I thought people expected for me to stay strong.
There is help!!!!!! Please don’t ruin relationships while your in this season. If you realize that you are out of character:
1. Breathe
2. Be willing to apologize when/if you feel it is necessary. *some people will hold emotional mistakes over your head – so just sincerely apologize and move on*
3. Know that it is just a season unless you cling to it.
4. TRUST God to renew your faith, your joy and your strength.
5. Yes!! you are human…WITH REAL EMOTIONS!!! Yet, you are a believing human being. Confirm your faith: REMEMBER!!! You are a child of God. Say is out loud. I AM A CHILD of GOD !!!
6. Don’t make crucial or defining decisions without God being present. Translation PRAY!!!!
7. Don’t allow your emotions to take you on a journey of no return.
Synopsis: Just think, pause, stay quiet when needed…CRY!!! Pray and remember you are a child of God..
The point of this blog is more than showing emotion in a difficult time. The objective of this blog is to know, as believers, you are not victorious with a story alone! But your VICTORY …uh huh VICTORY !!! is when you tell the enemy to flee and you actually overcome the battle. YOU W I N!!!!
When I look back on this season in my life I don’t want to have a testimony of how I overcame with alcohol being my substance in a hard time .When I look back on this season I want to be a witness that the Holy Spirit confirmed this word: 2 Corinthians 12:9 And he hath said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my power is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may [a]rest upon me.
Ya'll When I cried...cry I was ...am weak.., but I know a Man. His name is Jesus!!!!
It was good to depend on God in this season.
Hallelujah!!
I miss you Daddy! Sunrise February 24, 1940 - Sunset October 15, 2017
Thank you to all those who prayed with and for me.
Prayer:
Gracious Lord,
Thank you for being kind towards me. When I could not pray for myself, thank you for my friends who considered me enough to call, write and pray for my family and me. Thank you that in my weakness your power is made perfect. Thank you for your loving kindness. Forgive me when I am slow to come to you about everything.
I pray for those who are in the same season, or might come across this same season. That they don't allow their grief to steal their peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
